Dr.Strange

When my brain finally had the advantage of REM sleep to wipe out the cobwebs that had been built up over the preceding years, dreaming was not the only side effect. Far from it in fact, after all I did not go through surgery just to re-gain that ability. Although in a way I suppose I did, for with my dreams came the real benefit of REM sleep. My overall thinking and functioning and energy levels improved dramatically, and with it I felt a renewed sense of purpose, clarity and thought. In a rather hilarious moment, I remember having a conversation with my wife a month or so after my surgery, in which I finished 3 different conversations I had left unfinished over the preceding year. What I mean when I say that, is that in my exhaustion my mind would come to a point of stagnation, where new thoughts are not possible. The soil is simply not fertile enough to bloom. There were no more fish in the sea or birds in the sky. I covered all 3 types of land there so the metaphor should really stick. Point being that I would often have to sacrifice certain thoughts in favor of others. My brain could only handle a certain number of things a day, and even then it frequently let me down. The processing time and  hard disk space were at all time low. This, coupled with constant fatigue made things unpleasant. What developed in that time was a monthly cycle of depression. I would work myself up into a positive enough space to get out there and do as much work as I could, before collapsing at home for at least a week every month. As a result of this, there were a few conversations or issues I had to deal with, that I had pushed to the back of my mind, and waited for my subconscious to figure out. I was however blindsided by the fact that my subconsious was all backed up. It was not until a month after my surgery that the things I remembered I wanted to talk about with my wife came flooding back, complete with answers and conclusions I could not formulate before.

It was both alarming and amazing at the same time. Alarming because I realized just how low I must have been functioning before, and amazing because effective honest communication had been achieved again. Another moment that had a similar effect was at a Friday lunch with my family, where they all commented on how energetic and lively I seemed post-surgery. I didn’t register anything accept happiness at the time, that they saw a difference in me, it validated all the decisions I had made until that point. But afterword’s that happiness was replaced with a deep sense of sorrow. I wondered to myself, just how much had I fallen? How bad must it have been, that my whole family felt the effect, and subsequently the difference after the fact? It was a cathartic moment, as I felt intense pain and relief, for it was the second, and final justification, along with my dreams, that this was all real and not just a fantasy I created in my head. That, I’m glad to say, is where my sleep apnea story ends. And thank god for that.

It was in this vibrant post-surgical world that I fell in love with notebook’s for the first time. I had always had notebooks but my relationship with them was purely business. I usually used them for school or work and I hated the damn things, they were never where I expected them to be and never had anything in them I cared about. But after a few years of unfulfilled, unrealized thoughts, I took to the idea of writing my ideas down constantly. I never wanted to have a thought and not finish it ever again, and so I began the process of taking notes. Before I could begin that however I had to find the notebook in itself. And that did not take long as most stationary shops have this particular brand in stock, and I can I assure you all that there is no better notebook manufacturer on God’s mostly blue earth, than  RHODIA. God damn these things are beautiful, they open with grace and close with dignity. Their pages invite you to pour your words into them and you do, effortlessly. This is made even more effortless with the help of the best pen ever made. I am talking, of course, about the Uniball Eye Fine. What a piece of precision engineering that thing is. Seriously though, it is a marvelous pen if you write fast and want your hand to glide across the page like a seasoned wizard.

With these two tools at my disposal, I began chronicling my every thought, and still do to this day. Although occasionally I’ll use a note app on my phone if I happen to be out of the house or away from my notebooks. The reason being that I simply cannot stand the thought of having an idea and forgetting it. Especially not after what I had already experienced. I wanted to take advantage of my now fully functioning brain and make sure to keep track of everything I think about. The downside of this is that I now of course have way too many notes, and have to spend alot of time sifting through them. I am however very comfortable with the knowledge that all my very best (and worst) ideas they are at least within my grasp.

Finally a little update on what we did today. We woke up, had coffee, a muffin and a sandwich at Starbucks, and went to see Dr. Strange. I won’t spoil anything in the film, but if you want to see it without anyone else’s opinion going through your mind, stop reading now.

My initial reaction is that its good. They overdid that environmental kaleidoscope effect in my opinion, but I can forgive that. Solid performance by the Batch and the rest of the crew, and I have to say Dr. Strange himself instantly became one of the more intriguing marvel superheroes to me. Overall, I give this film a solid B+/A- depending on my mood.

That was the reason I kept you all waiting on the blog today, we woke up with just enough time to get a cup of coffee and make the 3pm show. I will still post on Sundays, just not in the wee hours of the morning (as if I’ve ever done that anyway).

More on other things tomorrow.

Good Morning Internet

How’s it going? You all right? Glad to hear it. I’m fine by the way, thanks for asking. For those of you who do not know me, I am a 20 something Egyptian Male with a degree in Political Science from our very own American University in Cairo. Why political science you ask? At the time it was because I liked reading history and the one course I had taken in that subject offered plenty of that, so I thought why not just major in the damn thing, I’ve got nothing better to do. Fast forward 4 years and I’m still kicking myself that AUC had a FILM MAJOR  I knew nothing about. But in any case, there’s no point crying over spilt milk, although I do love me some milk so spilling it isn’t something I go around doing on the regular, that would be a tremendous waste that would surely get me a slap from the wife. Oh yeah, I’m also married. And yes, she is VERY abusive, it’s probably the reason I’ve started this blog, to try and seek help because there’s nowhere else for the pain to go. More on that later. But in all seriousness, the real reason I decided to start this daily blog is to get my god damn life on track. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a twitter-less hobo, I get shit done from time to time, it’s just the length of time between the first ‘time’ and the second ‘time’ that are an issue at the moment. Although trust me, it used to be much worse back in the old sleep apnea days.

Sleep apnea is terrible, if you have never had it, it basically feels like suffocating every night before you go to bed, sometimes for hours, before waking up having achieved little to no measurable rest whatsoever. Your brain never resets because you get negligible REM sleep and you continue a zombie-ish existence until you finally become so tired one day you sleep the biologically required 12(!) hours your body actually needs of sleep while breathing through one nostril. For over a year, maybe two (its tough to remember when things like this START), I persisted in this hellish existence, before finally thinking to myself, maybe there’s something not quite right. But I’m not one to rush into things, so I naturally took 6 months of self examination and assessment of my sleeping situation before I confirmed that there was indeed something quite wrong. The first dead giveaway is the super-breaths I found myself taking every night during my attempted sleep. Basically because my nose was incapable of filling up my lungs with a serviceable quantity of air, my mouth would have to step in, usually when I’m in Stage 1 of sleep (the one where it feels like you’re still awake), with a monstrous, alarming, yet ultimately life-saving gasp for air. This always had the helpful side-effect of pulling me right out of sleep and back to the realms of the very, very much awake. But it doesn’t stop there! If by some miracle, you actually succeed and fall asleep, the gasps just keep on coming, this time preventing you from reaching REM sleep during the night. I knew this was happening because I also had the charming side effect of finding myself falling asleep at strange times during the day (as well as being generally fatigued ALL the time). But the question was, how do I monitor this?

I had two options, one was to go to a sleep clinic. The second (and the one I chose) was to rely on a Smartphone app that supposedly measures your sleep and what stages of sleep you are in. Now I know what you are thinking, why not just go to a sleep clinic and have it properly tested, why rely on an app when you could have a definitive answer in one night. Well I’m glad you asked. The quick and simple answer is that the idea of going to a sleep clinic freaked me out to no end. I had developed over the years a distinct and measurable paranoia towards my fellow man (more on that later), and the thought of going to bed in a strange room where I would be monitored throughout the night was too creepy for my taste. Also I couldn’t escape the feeling that on that one night, my nose would for some reason decide to function properly, and I would be doomed to live a sleep apnea filled existence having been given a less than certain ‘all clear’ from Cairo Sleep Center. I realize the cynics among you must be thinking what a fool I am, rest assured I am with you on this one. I learned from a young age that my foolishness is not in my control, I was born with it, I live with it and I will die with it, so I have learnt to accept it. The App (Sleep Cycle on IOS) told me the following consistently in a 2 week period: For the first 7 hours of my sleep I would be in stages 1-4, and I would reach REM sleep at the 7th hour. This made immeasurable sense to me, because I had attempted to sleep 8 hours and overslept several times over the past year, so much so that it became something of a traumatic experience for me, waking up to find myself already late for whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, or whomever it was I was supposed to be meeting. So while the app was not a doctor, or a sleep center or an omniscient being from the 7th(!) dimension, it made sense. Alot of sense. Enough sense for me to embark on my next course of action.

More on that tomorrow!