Surgery

3 days. In case you were wondering what the answer to the question: How long before this whole blog thing becomes more troublesome than you thought? Its 3 days. Why troublesome? Because suddenly your thoughts are out there and you have to keep adding to them like a deranged loon somewhat capable of coherent sentences. Jokes on you though I don’t actually think anything I write on here. That’s right, this is just a complete waste of my time and yours. It is Saturday though so I’m feeling Ultra-Crabby today. I should probably take the weekends off from blogging, I quite like the sound of that. But I signed off yesterdays with ‘More on that tomorrow’, so to not post today would make me less than honorable and I do not want that. On to our previous topic.

2 minutes. That’s the amount of time it takes to go from relief to have found the correct doctor and course of action, to absolute fear that you have to have surgery. In 2 minutes all the doubts I had about my needing surgery come flooding back. ‘You don’t actually have sleep apnea, you’re just really lazy’. ‘You made it all up, you’re crazy, you know this’. Suddenly it was all in my head again, every single part of me that was so sure I had a problem that needed fixing, evaporated. Gone. Just like that. That’s the power of fear. It can make you think the most ridiculous things, not matter how much evidence you have in front of you. Even my mother (a fantastic woman by the way #top5alltime) had to confirm with Dr. Ashraf that I actually need this surgery. To which he replied ‘yes’. Unfortunately for her, and me I suppose, there is still the possibility that he himself is a super demon with infinitely better acting skills than the one that preceded him. He could have realized the minute I walked through the door that he was going to play into my delusional sleep apnea narrative to make his money. I guess we will never know.

It was not the post-surgery process I was dreading, although that was very weird. And it wasn’t the amount of people who would undoubtedly see my penis under the flimsy hospital gown. Which was 2 by the way, I’m pretty sure my father and the nurse who was readying me before the operation got a look. It was all very awkward. But my fear came from the knowledge that I would be put under. Under with the possibility of staying there forever.

I’m not being melodramatic, it’s really how I think. Everything in life is down to probabilities. And I do NOT like increasing the risk of any harm to myself unless I really need to. And so the probability of dying during surgery is quite naturally higher than that probability when not undergoing surgery. That is a fact my brain does not and will not ever accept in a calm way. Even though I knew my chances of dying from the anesthetic or from sudden catastrophic nose trauma were pretty slim, they were still higher than 0%.

On top of all that, the thought of being made unconscious really did not sit well with me. By all means if you’re going to slice my nose open and break it apart just to put it back together again, put me under. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to like it. The anesthesia they gave me began to kick in just as I entered the surgery room, where a nurse flirted with me in some vague way, to which I replied ‘No, I’m married unfortunately‘.

After the surgery all the pain is in your throat. It’s basically all filled up with blood and mucus, which prompted me to start hurling up buckets of the stuff while my wife rushed to the bathroom to do more of the same. I don’t remember much of the post surgery period which lasted around 2/3 weeks. All I know is the first few days were the hardest on my wife especially. But she pulled me through and got through it herself god bless her.

The funniest moment after surgery was the first time I took the bandages off my nose and looked in the mirror. Dr. Ashraf was smiling and repeating the word swollen. I was barely registering that though and when I saw myself in the mirror it was quite a shock. I looked like a cartoon character because my face had no depth. My face was very swollen on either side of my nose so I looked like a character straight out of Bobs Burgers. Couple that with the psychological thunderstorm of suddenly having a different face and it all made for pretty fun times.

Thankfully though, I made it through the whole process and had a shiny new nose for all my troubles. Although my nose had been severely crooked for most of my life, it was now straight. A side effect that I was expecting, but was not as important as restoring its ability to inhale and exhale air at a relatively lively rate. And after taking off all the bandages and finally being able to breathe through both nostrils properly, I can tell you it was one of the best feelings I had ever had.

It was not nearly as good however, as that first night of REM sleep. Something I had not realized, or had forgotten, was that a side effect of my sleep apnea was a severe and constant lack of dreams. Every night was silent and every morning was anxious. The day I woke up feeling more rested than I can remember and with the first dream in years still fresh on my mind, is probably going to be in my top 10 days ever for the rest of my life. Right now it’s in my top 5 for sure, but I’m accounting for a whole lifetime here so I had to be realistic.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today. Time to watch Arsenal hopefully mutilate Man UTD (no jinx intended). Tomorrow is Sunday, which is still a weekend where I currently am. Still unsure if I will be blogging tomorrow. So I guess I’ll sign off like this:

More on that tomorrow?